I thought I had everything in control. But apparently I haven’t.

I think because I’m still in the probation period for my current job, I’m extra sensitive in terms of how much I would like to add value to the company and everything else goes around it. I want to do a good job. I don’t believe in excuses when it comes to work. But I guess we are all human and unless you’re having a nice and stable life, whatever affects you will show whether you like it or not.

I don’t like to brag about how hard my life is. Because I know comparing to a lot of people that I know, my current hardships are not as bad as theirs.

But we all are trying to make it through.

We might not have the same problems, but we have the same goal.

My new lovely work colleague said “we’re all paying for whatever we have put ourselves in”. I think this saying is very true. Whether we like it or not, that’s the situation we are in and actions should be made accordingly. That’s why I always feel bad when giving out excuses, because actions speak louder than words.

I feel like this is a very lame update but I need to let it out. That’s the whole point of doing this diary thing. I think it helps anyways.

I also got told that I’m always hard on myself, sometimes too hard.

But then I have a question for myself also, if I wasn’t hard on my own self, could I continue to do things and make everything work?

How do I make it less hard on myself?

I don’t know.

It’s my mentality. I think when you live alone, away from your family. That’s what you have to count on to make sure you are able to do what you do.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve signed up to a local karate club and I’m quite excited about it. But I can tell that I’m so overly-worked at the moment. And anxiety sometimes doesn’t do me any good. But, I can firmly tell everyone that I am managing it fine. People might be over-worrying for me but don’t be. I’m fine. I just need to balance work-life for the time-being.

And for the moment, I just need a good rest. And back up and running tomorrow.

And I do wish sometimes unconditional care from someone could be very nice. I’m not asking for it. Just saying.

As in if they truly care, I always welcome that with my heart.