Nothing really happened today. But a lot of emotions.

I think my depression has finally relapsed after 2 years of me working hard on improving it. The last 2 years weren’t exactly the best but definitely better than the years before that. I know the reason. It’s complicated but it’s basically what’s happened in the last month. There are certain points that I would be happy and confident, but there will be times where I feel super low. I miss home. And all of that would be a cycle within a day. It is bad.

I called my family today because I called my mum and she didn’t pick up. I know that she always has her phone with her during certain times so that’s why I was scared. But everything was fine. She’s good. Everyone at home is okay. That’s the most important thing.

But I cried. I cried a lot.

I cried like the first day I came to the UK which was 12 years ago.

It was the first time ever I was away from home but very very far away.

I never thought I would feel this way again but I just did. I thought I was a lot stronger than this. But keeping thinking about things that people who once have been close to me said to me doesn’t help. Again, I blame them. I want to do certain things that would make me feel better which I know I shouldn’t.

But I guess I have to go through this.

All I want to do is pause and not go into my new job next week. Go back home for a week or two then come back. But I can’t. Last minute flights? Thousands of pounds? And what if I go back and I’d feel the same? I don’t want any of that. And I think a lot of people who are born and live here understand the struggles of other people who choose to stay in a different country, 9000 miles away from their family and just want to create a better future for their family. Do they get that kind of pain? I think some do, but only a few.

I have friends here. Many close friends. But I don’t want to trouble them with my own trouble.

I just wish sometimes people think a lot more carefully before doing something so stupid.

I also watched the new Squid Game season today. It was a bit mind-blowing in the sense that it resonates to what I’m going through somehow.

I just hope good things will come soon and no more depression. I really do.