As of today, I am somewhat happy with what I have achieved and still trying to work on.

I feel like today I should start a diary so I can document whatever that has been going on in my life so that one day in the future, I can look back and reflect, and learn more about what happened, what I did wrong and what I can try to do to be better.

I feel grateful to still have had a job, earn money and trying to work on my higher purposes in life. There are so many out there with so much struggles, worse than what I am facing – they’re homeless, they don’t have any money, they are unable to support their families, they lose things and people from a tragedy, or they don’t have anyone in their life – and yet, they are still being positive and continuing doing what they do. I am no one, but I want to create something meaningful for me, for my life, for the people that I care about.

I went through a very dark time in the last few months where I didn’t know what was going to happen to me, to my career, to my family, and to the people that I have the chance to cross path in life. Through this period, I have had to fight and thought of the ways that I have had to do in order to get up and fulfil what I believe is going to make my life better.

For whatever that I have been through, I thought I was doing the right thing. Yet, it is not. I’m not proud of everything that I have done. Some was the result of the dark dark moments in life where I don’t know why I exist and what I can do to make my life better. The effect is still there, but things have started to pick up a bit.

I’ve been able to secure a new job while now the job market is tumbling. It pays me more so that helps me to work on the plans I have for me and my family. In the last year and especially in the last few months, one biggest question that has always been in my head: What do I do to return my parents’ favour to have raised me, provided me the best thing that they could ever have done, probably even out of their capability, so that they can raise a child and give it the best life that they ever wanted. Once I have understood that and at this age, at 28, I should know better. And that is what drives me to do better things for my family and for myself, and for the people who means the world to me.

Do I feel sorry for myself? Somewhat. Do I feel sorry for the people that have been affected by my problems and everything that I have said to them? Much much more. The effect of having other people to suffer because of me is much more than the actual problem itself and its effect on me. I don’t know if I will ever be able to make up for the mistakes that I have done in life. All I tried to do is asking for help, not to benefit me, but in that favour, I can do something to help them too.

But I guess there is always a way. I hope what I’m doing now will make up for my mistakes, not for the worse but for the better. But one thing that I have learned from my past experiences, stay out of gossip and drama as much as I can. And stay truthful, transparent, and remain that integrity to everyone around me. If they do care, they will think and dig further. And I welcome that more than anything. If they don’t, I’m no one in their life so they don’t have to drain their energy for me – and that’s something that I’m still thankful for. Don’t waste your time and energy for me – because I’m no one special.

Life moves fast, so I have to act fast. I’m still learning. I believe I’m still young. But for every wrong decision I make, I learn from it. And it’s better to do nothing and whatever that is worthless in life.

***Small note added to this:

I have realised also I don’t speak about my feelings much. I only started to learn to say what I think a few years back. I know that I’m not perfect. I am still learning. Sometimes, the way I express myself might not be the best way, but it is still something and the best way I know how.

I think a lot. Sometimes too much. To the point where my body and soul is deteriorating so much because of it. But I’m still trying to learn how to overcome that.

The way that I do thing is: whatever I see is right, I will do it, with great morals and integrity. I don’t need other people to feel sorry for me. But it’s in my nature – I can help wherever I can.

I have been through enough to understand and see who is genuine and who is not. I use every tool and knowledge and skill I have day by day to constantly strengthen my intuition about people. And you know what? It’s usually right. Not right all the time. But the majority of it.

I’m not sure if I have to express myself much more, spend more energy to prove I am this and that kind of person. The reason why I didn’t do that was because I didn’t feel the necessary of it because I thought people who know me will understand me, and not get things twisted. But maybe that is just not enough. Maybe I didn’t show my emotions enough. I thought actions speak louder than words, but, clearly that’s just not enough.

Maybe, I should learn how to balance. Balance the energy, the care and my emotions towards everyone and everything around me. So that it won’t be mistaken to something that is just not worth it.

Maybe, the balance approach should be:

If it’s small and kind — do it.
If it’s big or personal — pause and ask.

That tiny moment of consent turns help into respect.
And it protects you from feeling drained or misread, too – and I believe I’ve been trying to do this and stick to this approach in everything I do.

And one more thing that I have learned as well. I have been trying to handle things maybe a little bit too quick. It needs more time to settle. However, I still find my way of handling effective and with good intention. I just need to work on the timing a bit more.